I need nothing,

I just found my old journal from back when I was at my lowest weight. Back when I would beat myself up over less than 200 calories. This one entry I was calling myself fat for giving in to ONE FRUIT SNACK, 6 calories. Seriously.

I don't remember much of that time. I feel like maybe I was happier then, in a way, but then again I know I wasn't. In my head, thinner=happier. I had about 760 calories so far today (fail) and burned about 525. Net of 235. I'm having a salad for dinner that is 195 calories. Less if I don't use all the dressing, which I probably won't. And after I finish my math homework, I'll go to the gym.

Fasting tomorrow. Hopefully Wednesday, though I'll just be happy if I can get through work without bingeing on some kind of bread. Seriously, fuck Panera Bread. I need a new job.

Finally back! Been essentially binging for 3 months even though I didn't gain any weight. Back to restricting and fasting.Down 2 pounds since yesterday. I have no idea why it was so hard before.

Sam and I are back 'together' again. Sort of. I mean, we've never been together officially, but whatever it is we do, it's happening again. Except this time he's being really sweet. I think he realizes that I'm not going to hurt him like his ex did (2 fucking years ago) and that the whole reason I slept with someone else was because I was tired of waiting on him to figure that out. So, maybe this time it will actually work out.

He kind of asked me to move in with him. I mentioned that I was looking for a place to live in Atlanta, and he said that his roommate was moving out and I should move in with them. The rent is like $200 less than I'm paying now, and it'd be great to live with my best friend. But, also, Sam and I argue a lot. I'm afraid if I did move in there and we lived together, it'd be bad. Then, what if we got into another huge fight? Would I be expected to move out? Even if not, it'd still be really awkward.

Anyway, I'm happy now. I have less than 10 pounds left to lose before Thanksgiving. I can do it.


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Now playing: Animal Collective - Fireworks
via FoxyTunes   

 I want to spend every moment in my room. I feel safe in here. It's the only place I've ever had all to myself. My tiny, precious little dorm room.

I hate responsibility. Now, to go to work. Joy.

 I'm going completely fucking insane. No kidding. I've been obsessing over everything. My OCD has gone through the roof the past two months. My mood swings/depression as well. I feel like someone else is living my life. I don't feel connected to it. I don't give a shit. I smoke a lot of weed. 

I don't really even care about my weight like I did before, but my eating has been getting worse and worse (again.) Before, I always cared more about how much I weighed. I never really weigh myself anymore. It's more of calorie counting for the sake of... doing something I want, I guess? That's not quite right. I still want to be thinner, but it's not the top of my list anymore. It doesn't matter when I get there, because I've got nothing else to do. 

I don't know. That doesn't make sense. And I didn't realize it was true until I wrote it. Because I still feel fat. And I still would like to wake up 20 pounds lighter in the morning.

Fuck it. I'm going to bed. Not sleeping may be catching up to me.

I SAID SKIM MILK!